The Daily Grand and Sundry

i died on November 25, 2009 at 11:03 am PST in Marina Del Rey, California. I was in a theater watching the new hit phenom film, NEW MOON.

How did I know I was dead?

Because I was the only male dinosaur in a world of female mammals, mothers and daughters, teenage girls, grandmas and daughters, and professional women. I was the lone evolutionary dead end, so I must be dead.

Why am I sure about the time? Because I checked my watch, as the females were enthralled with the film, I checked my watch to ascertain the EXACT time at which I decided that this was one of the WORST damn films I have ever seen.

But now I know how to make a teenage vampire film which will appeal to women. First cast a Hilary Swank looker as the lead. I am not saying she is homely, but I am saying I  would not tip her at a strip joint.  Never trust either the intent of a film, nor the female lead when she stops the film to tell the male co star, Taylor Launtner, that he, THE MALE, is beautiful.

Anyway, you have this female lead who never takes off her top, not even when she is diving into the ocean, not even when, after her dive into the ocean, she needs to get the wet clothes off of her body so as not to get pneumonia, and a bunch of male leads WHO ALWAYS TAKE OFF THEIR TOPS.

The entire range of the female lead’s acting ability is eyes darting, and a patterned twitch.

She has these two gorgeous, makeup laden homoerotic males, one a vampire, one a werewolf, fighting over her. The males are so anxious to take off their shirts, that when the female lead cuts her head, the werewolf male takes off his filthy shirt to dab the wound.

For the female lead, seeing his buff, naked chest is worth  the price of potential blood poisoning.

The upshot being, I was not too impressed with the female lead. I was impressed,as a film maker, with the costume budget for the female  lead; she wore the same pair of jeans the whole film.

The male vampire lead, the red lipped EDWARD CULLEN was the blandest vampire I have ever seen on screen. I mean he is 109 years old; when you are 109, what have you developed? Answer, A sense of humor or a sense of terror, but 109 year old vampires are not vanilla.

I have met 109 year old vampires in Luxor(they have a colony there amid the ruins). They do not have  morose teenage personalities; they have witty, ironic Noel Coward personalities.

EDWARD has a tough time kissing the female lead; he wants to do it but, what should I say? just cannot get the fangs up(if you know what I mean).

Bela Lugosi, the great movie vampire, would knock off nubile teenagers at every turn. There were no sexual wishy washy vampires in the old days, William Marshall in BLACULA,  George Hamilton in LOVE AT FIRST BITE  or Frank Langella in John Badham’s DRACULA had no problems getting their fangs up. I miss aggressive vampires.

Now we come to the werewolf male lead. He is so totally buff, but alas, he too has a problem making an advance toward the female heroine. Could his impotence be based on steroids?

God I missed Jack Nicholson as a werewolf on the make in WOLF. Even the fey werewolf in WOLF, played by James Spader was on the make.

So the key to NEW MOON is that both the werewolves and the vampires are impotent around our leading lady. I guess teenage girls like that, male vampire impotence; I guess female professionals like impotent male, buffed up werewolves.

The best scene in the film, THE VERY BEST scene in the film, is when our female lead and the male vampire visit the lair of the head vampire, played by Michael Sheen, famous from the film THE QUEEN. Obviously Mr. Sheen envied La Dame Mirren as THE QUEEN because he played his role as leader of the vampires as THE QUEEN VAMPIRE.

To get to the medieval lair of the vampires, the leads carry no torches, navigate no deep caverns, do not descend into a hell, pass coffins nor cobwebs. Nope, they take a modern steel elevator with MUZAK. An elevator from a high rise delivers them into the vampire lair. No one in the theater could understand why I was laughing…My God, Nosferatu in an elevator?

Finally, the length of the film. The film has at least four internal music videos, in which the heroine stares out a window while different songs play on the sound track. There are at least seven shots of her truck moving down a misty highway, a bunch of shots of an empty lunch room table; a replay, then a rewind, then a reset of the female lead’s constant and consistent tossing and turning from her bad dreams, shown over and over again. The film is interminable.

NEW MOON is the perfect weapon to break the spirits and minds of terrorists, like Rudy Vallee music. In fact EDWARD CULLEN reminded me of Rudy Vallee.

RUDY VALLEE, the obvious inspiration for the character of EDWARD CULLEN

Nosferatu giving EDWARD CULLEN lessons on what it means to be a vampire.

Frank Langella as a non impotent vampire.

Tags: BLACULA, DRACULA, EDWARD CULLEN, Frank Langella, George Hamilton, Helen Mirren, Hilary Swank, Impotence, Jack Nicholson, James Spader, John Badham, LOVE AT FIRST BITE, Michael Sheen, NEW MOON, NOSFERATU, Rudy Vallee, Taylor Launtner, THE QUEEN, Vampires, Werewolves, William Marshall, WOLF

This entry was posted on Friday, November 27th, 2009 at 1:35 am and is filed under ART. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.